September

It's been 5 months since my last post.....

As I was driving to church this morning my mind wandered back to September and how much I’m not a fan of that month.  If I’m honest- I hate that month now, I don’t want to but I just do.  September is filled with loss- loss of some people that I truly cared about and miss tremendously.  I often wonder what it would be like if things were different.  You see with that loss, there come voids.  Voids that I have filled over the years in ways I’m not proud of and then there’s been prayer, church, and scripture.  Those voids hurt, I’ve lashed out and said things I didn’t mean and stuff I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for- something I struggle with. 

I didn’t want to go to church today but I did.  I didn’t want to sit in a crowd of people who look like they have it all together when all I wanted to be was a hot mess and that be okay. Today though, while driving, Jesus reminded me that the voids I have could be filled with only one thing- Him.  Jesus!  Just Jesus.  I can read my Bible, memorize scripture (and mess that up at times) and pray as much as I want but marking things off a list won’t fill those voids.  I needed to be reminded of Jesus.  He hasn’t forgotten about me, I’m in the palm of His hand.

Grandfather

Every person in my family holds a special place in my heart.  I knew as a child that my "love language" was quality time.  I may not have understood the word "love language" but I knew my heart (my tank) was full after spending quality time with people.  It's all about a connection that isn't forced- it just happens. Connection with people has followed me all of my life and that quality time with people has continued to fill my tank as a woman.

Both of my grandfathers spent quality time pouring into me as a child and even as a woman.  However, things do not always go as WE plan.  Life happens and our grandfathers must leave us at some point.  This is the first year I haven't had a grandfather to call when I had a question about something far fetched or to vent.  My first grandfather "Pink" to pass away was in May 2011 and September 2016 my other grandfather "Grandpa" passed away.

Pink was Catholic and a truck driver and Grandpa was a Baptist preacher at one time in his life and ran a facility for kids who needed help.  Pink reminds me of branches on tree- telling me to put myself out there in life and to travel and try new things- more of my free spirit.  Grandpa reminds me of the roots of a tree- reminding me where I came from and to be proud of that and that I can endure anything- I am a strong woman.  They both respected each other and I admire that about them!  I do miss them terribly, I grieved the loss of Pink for a while and I learned to celebrate life through is deaf.  Unfortunately, I am still in the midst of grieving the loss of my Grandpa- without going into to detail- his loss was very unexpected and I wasn't ready.  We had one more trip we needed to take- Scotland.

Since he's gone and I'm here- I'm headed to Scotland.  Why now?  Well, before Pink passed away he knew I was going to Honduras during the summer for mission work- he passed away a month before I left- he never saw my pictures but I felt his presence there.  As for Grandpa and Scotland, I need this trip- if anything let it be for closure.  Side note- my Grandpa was big into our genealogy and I LOVED hearing stories about "my people".  I wonder if in their prayers I am living out what they prayed for many years ago, just as I have prayers for the future.  My ancestors are from Scotland and I have about 15 binders with information dating back to the 1600's.

Currently, I am going through binders to see if I can find anything about my family and where they lived so that I may be able to walk where they walked.  It may sound corny or strange to some but it's something my Grandpa was going to take me to do.

My Grandpa once said, "Whatever may get you down, let it become a part of getting you back up."

So here's to my adventure in Scotland- Cheers!